Silver Linings, By Eeyore
It’s been a bit of a blackout period for me over the past year. I haven’t been blogging, or calling or dare-I-confess, writing handwritten letters.
For anyone who knows me personally, you know that handwritten letters are my love and passion. That I haven’t been writing isn’t a good sign.
I received a call from a good friend who I don’t speak to often, but always enjoy hearing from. We have managed to stay in touch despite having lived our lives since meeting five years ago in very different places and at very different paces. I confessed to my friend that I’ve been out of touch because I am following the adage: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
He told me lots of people appreciate a good cynical rant and essentially, that wasn’t much of an excuse.
Here’s the truth: since my dad’s suicide two and a half years ago, I’ve been struggling to find any silver linings. One might say, “I lost my tail.” Why? Well, there has been real life shit: a move across the country, learning the meaning of the term “gaslighting” the hard way, impacts of my dad’s death on my mental health and my family. There has been normal life stuff: relationship challenges, creating boundaries, physical injuries; these normal life things feel more weighted than they necessarily should be. I just end up throwing everything into one big pile, combining it with greif and adopting a bit of an Eeyorish mentality. Truth be told, I’m tired of my own pity party, but healing takes time.
In order to deviate from the negative, I am intentionally looking for the up sides of down. Here are a few of the silver linings:
- Loyal peeps: Amazing friends have leapt out of the woodwork to have my back. Being vulnerable & intense, combined with a very dark sense of humour scares some people off, but it also provides a great space for some real talks, honesty and support. Thanks to those of you who have “leaned in.” The wealth of great people in my life is THE MOST incredible thing. Again, thank you. For example, this morning this generous, loving note popped up on my Instagram:
- I am doing the work: I have dumped my shit out of its neat, tidy storage boxes and now I am sorting through it. Amongst the crap, I have found some wonderful memories. What does this mean for my future? Hopefully it means I won’t have a breakdown in a grocery store when I’m 45 and run away with my sky diving instructor. Will I ever be done doing the work? Probably not, but I am investing in my future self by getting ahead of it now.
- Creativity: Turns out, I am sensitive creative. Who knew? (Ok, those of you who have always known, please keep your sarcastic comments to yourself!) As I spend a lot more time at home being a homebody, I have discovered some passions I left behind. I love art! I love story telling! I love baking! Without the grief-imposed indoor time, I may not have fell so hard for my passion for photography.
- All the stress has lead to my first grey hair, and thus, I am finally a silver fox! This is pretty exciting! (More to come on this matter.)
To those of you who haven’t received a letter, call or visit in a while, it’s coming. It won’t necessarily be fluffy and sweet. However, this gives you permission to pick up a pen and write back, starting off your own letter with: “Let me tell you about this awful thing that happened.” I’m all ears.
Here’s a photo of my dad holding the stone art he dedicated his life to making: